Dear Max,

It has been 3 months since you left us. I still cannot think about you without crying my eyes out. It hurts so much, to have lost you. I know that you were an old dog, and that you had slowed down considerably. With all your health issues along the way, it shouldn’t have been a surprise that you deteriorated so quickly. Dr Alice did caution, before your eye surgery, that the procedure could worsen your renal disease. But my heart cannot grapple with all that knowledge. I’m not exactly sure of the reason why, but losing you so shortly after losing Brady, or not having another dog around to care for, or just the truth that I loved you the most, could perhaps explain the depth of my sadness.

To me, you were, and will always be, the most perfect & precious being. Maybe I’ve put you on a pedestal or made you singularly the most important thing in my life, therefore without you, I am lost. It is as if all the colour in my life has drained, or a vital organ has been cut out from me. It has been extremely difficult to feel any semblance of joy or sincere laughter without being tainted by grief. Right now, it feels like a slow return to normalcy, adapting to a routine where you no longer exist. But there’s a numbness that accompanies this.

I think I also carry the guilt and shame from my decision to euthanise you. Was it too hasty? Did I not try hard enough? It felt like you wanted to fight to stay on, or that you weren’t ready to let go. Should I have gone down the route of palliative care? I’m sorry, if I made the wrong choice, or if I couldn’t tell what you wanted. All I knew was that you appeared to be in pain, and that you had trouble eating the special diet. When we fed you the stuff you liked, it ended up hurting you. I would never want you to have to waste away, or prolong your suffering. That way of dying would’ve been a slow and inevitably traumatic process. Helping you to let go, seemed, to me, to be the most humane & loving act, and it did feel very peaceful.

Oh Max, my dear maxiboy, my handsome almond, I miss you so much; I miss your smell, kissing your head, caressing your back, the way you curled up when you slept, your nubby little tail, I wish I could just hold you again. You were my first love, my soul, my happiness. Thank you for coming into our lives and for being part of the family. There’s a cavity in my chest in the shape of you, and I don’t think it will ever be replaced. 

I hope that you have been reunited with Brady, and that one day, when it is my turn, I will see you boys, and be able to hold you in my arms again. Till then, I will keep you both as close as possible in my heart. I love you, I love you, I love you.