This was a long time coming. I've wanted to pen down the history of our relationship for a while now. Though this exercise in itself seems futile, I would still like to honour the relationship in a way that I see best. Right now I feel calm enough to write with some distance & I believe this would preserve my memories and act as my acknowledgement of the good parts of what we shared. There were so many great moments.

5 years ago, we met as colleagues working in a team that ran at strange hours. We served the London shift, starting late and ending into the wee hours of the morning. Everyone on the outside thought we had it bad... but I say, it was the best time of our lives. The money was good, the beer flowed freely and our small team of co-workers shared a bond of late-night suppers, taxi rides & ploughing through our tasks together. Naturally the topsy-turvy schedule meant we didn't have as many opportunities to spend time with our friends or family. So we spent it together.

My first impression of you were not positive. I'd admit - I carried my prejudices at the way you looked and carried yourself. I was quite a snob because I thought you were playful and childish, as if you were beneath the type of company I would usually keep. We were mere friends for a few months until one day, for reasons I cannot recall, we found ourselves hanging out at the Cheese Prata shop near NUS. There, we spoke for hours, sharing insightful details of our lives above and beyond the usual mindless banter. I threw you many intrusive questions about your sexuality and boyish appearance but you were patient, smart and at ease with your responses. We nick-named my barrage of questions the "straight-girl FAQ". After that night, everything changed. We had developed a connection.

To be honest, I was reeling from a nasty experience with a guy that I had been seeing before moving to the new job. It was brief but I came away with a bruised ego and trust issues with men. I remember there was an exchange of text messages not too long after the straight-girl FAQ session where we flirted, teased and articulated what we both were feeling - we asked if there was something more between us. I knew it was dangerous ground because I had never expected to fall in love with a girl. And a co-worker at that. I was feeling confused about my sexuality, fear at what people might think of me, worry over how this would bring into question my professionalism at work, and sadness at how this could hurt my family. The very core of my identity was at risk. But I followed my heart and allowed myself to fall. We thought we were just playing a game but the chemistry we felt was undeniable and things got serious really quickly.

The time we spent always flew by so fast. To put it dramatically, my world was black & white until you stepped in, then it turned to colour. I never understood how anyone could feel this much for one person, but all the love songs in the world suddenly made sense. There was no reason or rationale - it was unadulterated. Sure, we had our ups and downs - I broke down so many times due to my own insecurities and conflicted thoughts, but you were always there to cry with me & comfort me. We had to hide from colleagues - playing mind games & having to watch over our shoulders. But you gave me hope and strength to continue in the relationship despite my own weaknesses. You sacrificed so much to keep me happy. We tried not to consider too much about the future & simply settled into enjoying each other's company. The songs we sang, the jokes we played, the food we made, the adventures we experienced and the embraces we shared, all so permanent yet so transient at the same time. I truly saw & felt that we were good together.

Weeks, months, years. Unfortunately the ticking clock worked tirelessly to wear me down and soon I found myself at the beginning of the end of our relationship. It was not one point or one moment because the day-to-day with you in my life was very agreeable and comfortable. But the entrance of a guy, an interested party, 3 years into our relationship, acted as a catalyst and made me convince myself that I had to walk away from you or to always have guilt and shame shadow my life. I wasn't strong enough to come out to the world and be openly proud of you. When I told you I wanted out, it was the worst day of my life. I did not at all believe the words that I was saying to you, which were hurtful and selfish, yet I stuck to it and struck you repeatedly. I only saw things from my point of view & only thought about myself. It was a test on our relationship and I failed miserably. You walked away because you loved me & once more, sacrificed yourself for me. We were both broken but I leaned on the crutch of a new distraction and tried to keep my distance.

Things never worked out with the new guy, because I was still madly in love with you, but I took way too long to figure things out and to grow as a person. By the time I told you that I wanted to fight for you, it was a year later and in your words, "6 months too late". You had spent too much time running in circles and your heart was torn and worn. You see, trust is a precious ingredient that once broken, can never be fully mended to be the same again. We were "hot and cold" for a while but I became more and more resigned as you put in less and less effort. I never gave up though. I never stopped investing my feelings. Part of me knew that it was the end, but an even bigger part of me wanted to believe that we could be salvaged and made whole again. The combination of love, hope and idealism ironically drove me to despair in the time I tried to win you back.

Everything finally came crashing down for me when you announced that you had met someone and it was clear that she was stirring emotions in you that you had lost and no longer felt between us. This was close to the second-worst day of my life. I wanted to beg and fight but I knew that this time, it was my turn to let you go. Because I loved you and I wanted you to be happy.

It has been almost 4 months since that day. Coping with the loss is still extremely difficult. I wish we could at least save the friendship but not while I still have unrequited feelings towards you. It would be unfair to three parties. You've taught me so much about love and about myself - I will always be grateful. Maybe one day I may look upon this post and reminisce fondly rather than sadly. As you said, we will always have the happy memories of our past.

Today really isn't a good day for me. Just when you think you're feeling better and getting past your pain, you're hit with a wave of nostalgia, memories & all the what-ifs that will never be fulfilled. For me, the trigger was seeing the one you love, love someone else.

When I see photos of the two of you together and read the accompanying captions, I tell myself, "that used to be us". It makes me question the validity of our relationship and the love we shared. You recently found out that I was selling off the camera you had given me and said you felt sad. I was sad too, but it was broken beyond repair and I thought someone else could at least salvage the parts. It seems analogous of our relationship - like things, people can be easily replaced. When you told me what we had was and will always be special, I believed you. I still do. But I also recognise that it was not special enough to change your mind. It was not strong enough to make you try again. And now, you get to create special moments with a new person.

But I am all alone, crumpled into a ball and left to die. How does one bounce back from such setbacks? Can I ever feel "whole" again? At this time, everything feels very bleak. This road to recovery is not linear and it is arduous. I don't feel better knowing this. However, avoiding pain or refusing to acknowledge bad days is also unhealthy. This is part and parcel of the process and in the end, I have to keep the faith.

Today also happens to be Polling Day. The reality of the elections are far from my mind but voting is a duty I take seriously. No matter the results, come tomorrow, it will be yet another day.