Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Thanks Puan.
A colleague sent me a text message with a link in the middle of a busy work day. It seemed surprisingly random but I clicked the link which led to an article titled "Forget About Feelings, Real Love is a Deliberate Choice".
There's no need to pore over the details of the article but primarily it carried the message that unconditional love was so-called because despite the good, the bad & the ugly in a relationship, one would persevere. Set aside "passion", "chemistry" & "butterflies in your stomach". It is not that these ingredients are unimportant for a relationship to be successful, because they exist to point two people together. But rather, that these are overrated because they are not core pillars to a SUSTAINABLE relationship.
I looked to myself and understand now why it all fell apart. We were wrong about love - we simply gave up. Firstly, because of my fears, anxiety & chance. Then later, because she felt it could no longer go back to how it used to be & how her heart was worn-out. Utter bullshit on both our parts! Admittedly there's a lot more contributing factors to a breakdown of a relationship (I shall take more credit for that just for being the first to walk away). What the article helped me see is that beyond the absolute pain/hurt/disappointment that I have to live with, even if we did reconcile, it would only have been temporary. The truth is that what we felt and feel was and is conditional.
A good analogy would be my relationship with Max, my dog. Gone are the days of excitement & novelty which accompanied his puppyhood & first year with us. These days, I could travel & sometimes forget completely about him. The audacity! But I remind myself that this is a lifetime responsibility and I will commit to always being there for him. He is ten years old & I love him more than ever - it is a love that is not as expressive as before but there is depth to it. Can this be characterized as unconditional love?
It seems puerile to compare the two relationships. They are distinct on so many levels. Yet there is definitively a lesson here to be learnt in the approach we take to love.
Thursday, July 02, 2015
When all is said and done, we have to look back and be thankful.
Though it has been a rough couple of weeks for me, the adage "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" seems to hold some truth. Through pain, disappointment and hurt, we build fortitude. And we are all the better for it when we are able to step out each day and face our lives. Grief is just a part of the human condition - the loss we feel, the numbness that bites, the fear crouching over, these are all very natural and necessary ingredients to life. To acknowledge and accept this is a step in the right direction. It is the direction that I must take.
Yes, right now I feel gutted. But I also have conflicted thoughts on everything that has happened. The past 5 years has finally wrapped up unto itself. Like a crushed piece of paper, I know it is time to let go. And while it can be so challenging in practice, I have to remind myself why.
Some things are just not meant to be. Love is easy but a relationship requires more, much more. If we apply the mantra that "everyday is a great day"... even the not-so-great days can be easier to manage. We can mindfully choose to appreciate all our present blessings and look forward to better things to come. I think I'd pick that.
1. Work hard.
2. Treat people with kindness.
3. Love yourself.
xoxo.
